Real Jews vs. Fake Jews on Hanukkah

Laura did this flow chart two years ago for The Huffington Post, but because it’s Hanukkah tonight and because she’s lazy and has just discovered the magic of recycling old brants, she’s reposting it here.  Click on the flow chart to make it a little bigger (or use a magnifying glass) and see the difference between Fake Jews (happy Jews) and Real Jews (unhappy Jews).

Obviously Laura comes from a long line of ______ Jews (<–fill in the blank correctly and you get a free latke).

Laura’s always amazed when she meets Fake Jews — Jews who enjoy winter sports (injury), water sports (drowning), animals (filth), travel (death) — Jews who enjoy anything, for that matter, since the hallmark of a true Real Jew is the inability to experience pleasure and to be fearful of everything. Most things in life aren’t for Real Jews, including Hanukkah, as you’ll see from the flow chart.  Too much anxiety (spelling) and too many opportunities for setting the house and one’s hair on fire (all those candles).

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6 thoughts on “Real Jews vs. Fake Jews on Hanukkah

  1. ann Leary says:

    My favorites: “Fear of putting an eye out,” “Fear of blindness,” “Fear of death.”
    I think my Irish Catholic mother-in-law is a secret “real Jew.”

  2. Becky says:

    I had no idea that I am part “real Jew” until I saw this flowchart. Is there a Venn diagram showing the overlap of the two categories? If so, I think many more people will come out as intermediate Jewish.

  3. Beatrix Rasbash says:

    This is my father’s birthday present sorted.
    Excellent job.

  4. Barry Sarner says:

    Incredibly funny and so true. . . . By the way do you know my family? 🙂

  5. Merle says:

    I did not know this. Lol.

  6. Janet says:

    I’m already a “Fake Jew” ‘cos only my father was Jewish (isn’t “Jew-ish” a funny word? Like, sort of a Jew?). But your flow chart confirms it.

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