Laura did this flow chart two years ago for The Huffington Post, but because it’s Hanukkah tonight and because she’s lazy and has just discovered the magic of recycling old brants, she’s reposting it here. Click on the flow chart to make it a little bigger (or use a magnifying glass) and see the difference between Fake Jews (happy Jews) and Real Jews (unhappy Jews).
Obviously Laura comes from a long line of ______ Jews (<–fill in the blank correctly and you get a free latke).
Laura’s always amazed when she meets Fake Jews — Jews who enjoy winter sports (injury), water sports (drowning), animals (filth), travel (death) — Jews who enjoy anything, for that matter, since the hallmark of a true Real Jew is the inability to experience pleasure and to be fearful of everything. Most things in life aren’t for Real Jews, including Hanukkah, as you’ll see from the flow chart. Too much anxiety (spelling) and too many opportunities for setting the house and one’s hair on fire (all those candles).