Real Jews Don’t Run for (Local) Office


Laura’s Brother-in-Law (Note: he’s not Jewish)

Laura never thought she’d live to see the day, but someone in her family is running for office! Local office!  Dutchess County Legislature in District 11!  Laura has no idea what a County Legislature is, where District 11 is, or what a County Legislator actually does, but if Laura lived in New York State and could vote, she’d vote in this election.

Why?  Because her brother-in-law* is running for office!

(*Laura’s not going to mention any names here just in case his opponent Googles him or Bings him — she wouldn’t want some stupid fun branting to get in the way of his actual real-life campaign, not that it really would, since this brant is much more about Laura than it is about him, but you never know what dirty tricks people resort to in local politics….)

Obviously, no one in her direct gene pool is running for office (no offense, super-cool-artist-sister-Linda-in-LA).  Real Jews, as Laura has often liked to define them in different ways, don’t really enter politics, especially local politics, and Laura thinks she knows why:  they’re usually not photogenic enough.  Laura knows she’s making a really dumb stereo-typical-ethnic statement here and of course she’s KIDDING (hey, the soon-to-be former mayor of Newton, Massachusetts, is David Cohen), but seriously, if Laura were running for her local County Legislature (not that she even could — because she doesn’t think she lives in a county) her election photo would look nothing like her brother-in-law’s.

And she means that as a compliment.  To her brother-in-law.

No, if Laura were running for office — local office — the day the photographer was supposed to arrive to take her picture for her campaign, the humidity would be in the DOUBLE DIGITS, quite possibly in the 99th PERCENTILE of humidity, because every single time she has to do something important, something outside of her bedroom and in public, something that involves a PHOTOGRAPH OF HERSELF, it’s always always ALWAYS extremely humid if not actually RAINING.  Her hair, in the grotesque humidity that would undoubtedly be present on her CAMPAIGN PHOTO-TAKING DAY, would go from vertical (hanging down) to horizontal (frizzing up and sticking out sideways), as it did while “down the [Jersey] Shore” this past August, turn into a giant frizzball, and cause the photographer to paw around desperately in his camera bag for a SUPER-WIDE-ANGLE LENS.

Unlike her brother-in-law’s hair, Laura’s hair would not be straight and smooth and relaxed on a day when it needed to be — when it was going to be recorded for posterityWhen it needed to sell itself. No, Laura’s hair is self-sabotaging, always fucking up when Laura most needs it to be good, or at least to be seen and not heard.  For some reason — and Laura has never really figured out the reason for this — her hair is constantly in a state of crying for help — so much so, that she knows she should really think about sending it away to one of those scary-military-camps-for-problem-teens.  Her hair would not cooperate and because it would not cooperate, Laura just knows it would completely ruin her chances for running for local office.

Not to blame her inability to win local office on her humidity-sensitive hair.  Laura would never win local office because there’s no way she could possibly stay awake long enough to know what was going on, what was on the agenda, what everyone else’s opinions were, and what her own opinion should be.  I mean, Laura can barely stay awake during a playdate, or a school fundraising meeting, let alone for discussions about trash pickup and recycling and taxes and land use laws.  (Laura has no idea if those are the things he would be doing if when he gets elected — but if they are, Laura would not be up for the job, and her hair would be the least of her problems).

Now, if local politics involved issues like Hair-Product Referenda or Frizzy-Hair-Tax Overrides, or other policies and laws having to do with hair-challenged people, Laura would sign up to run in a second.  And she’d even have a chance of winning because with her ridiculous campaign photo, she’d be the poster child for the hair-challenged.


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