Turning into a Masshole


mass-hole (noun)

(from Urban Dictionary)

1. For residents of Massachusetts, it is an achieved title for driving faster, being wreckless, cutting other drivers off often, and having no patience for other drivers on the road.

2. For non-residents of Massachusetts, it is a term of dislike for the people of Massachusetts that drive like an asshole.

  • I was such a masshole today when I went down route 128 at 98 mph.
  • Don’t even think about cutting me off, you masshole!


Laura doesn’t know why she woke up thinking about Massholes — or, more precisely, thinking about how sick she is of Massholes — but she did, and so that’s what she’s going to brant about in the few minutes she has before running around all day doing a bunch of shit she doesn’t want to do.  Waking up with the word “masshole” in her head is making her think that maybe she’s turning into a masshole herself, and that’s something she definitely doesn’t want to do.

Laura certainly has exhibited symptoms of what she calls Massaholic Reverse Road Rage — meaning, rage she feels at other drivers — massholes — who cut her off, drive with outrageous rudeness and/or disregard for human life and safety, and behave like, for lack of a more creative way of putting it, assholes.  Eagle-eyed brant readers will recognize this topic from previous brants, and while Laura hates to repeat herself she can’t help herself because while she is usually pointing (though — and this is important: not giving) the finger at other massholes and yelling to herself in the privacy of her own car about how hard it is to drive in Massachusetts and how it’s a bloodsport and how simply getting in your car and heading out to buy a quart of milk sometimes feels like strapping yourself into some kind of live video game where you can get killed and blown up at every single turn, this time she fears that some of that massaholic behavior might be rubbing off on her.

She wrote earlier this summer about driving into New York City for a 22-minute meeting and getting a $115 ticket for blocking the box — by like, an inch! — and the other day at school pick up she did something that made her fear that she is herself turning into the sort of massaholic driver she loathes.  It wasn’t anything terrible  — she didn’t actually cut off a whole line of cars snaking into the school’s parking lot and pick-up line — but she could have.  Caught red-handed by the head of school pulling into the driveway straight off the ramp from the highway when there was no room for her, Laura felt a sense of shock and horror at her unintentionally and potentially catastrophic massaholic behavior: though she hadn’t actually cut anyone off (can she say that enough?), she could have, and that would have made her look like a gigantic masshole to a bunch of people she encounters five days a week.

Laura hasn’t spent the last 25 years in therapy for nothing: leading an unexamined life would be a total waste of all the money she’s spent trying to better herself.  So this week, coming face to face with the fact that she has the makings of being a complete and utter masshole herself, has forced her to do some serious self-reflection and soul-searching.  Just in time for the Day of Atonement in two weeks…


One thought on “Turning into a Masshole

  1. Love, love, love it. SO what do we call the Floridians? I have a feeling Massholes and Miamians would be pretty similar, just speaking a different language. xxoo

    PS, the blog looks amazing, what did you do?

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